Happy Thursday — we’re back with more Hot Bones a day early, since no newsletter can compete with one of the greatest joys of mid-summer: hanging out in the sun all day and then jumping into a body of water because you’re covered in watermelon juice. Hope everyone has a good Fourth tomorrow.

Last edition was all about how to cut down on wasted food in your fridge with a countertop “composter.” We got some fun poll responses about the gnarliest thing you’ve had to toss.

This edition: Is there a new way to drink coffee?

So I may have mentioned that I’m currently at my parents’ place for the free dog care while G is away, and I’m starting to roll with their rhythms of life. For the most part, this is very easy, except for a few new nighttime rituals:

In the mornings, there’s only one thing that’s been hard to adjust to: coffee.

Nothing very different about the coffee maker, nor the amount of coffee made. What’s different is that my parents are one notch away from brewing speed.

I drink a single mug and suddenly my resting heart rate is 130 bpm, my eyes are buggy and unblinking, and my alimentary canal is about to do the desktop equivalent of delete all files.

I’ve told them their coffee is too strong hundreds of times, and the response I get is the same: “Oh, I don’t know. It’s not that strong. Plus, we like it strong.”

Translation: Brew your own batch next time.

Meanwhile, every weekend guest leaves with an eye twitch and a small acid hole burned in their stomach lining. I mean, we’re going through an entire 12-ounce bag of Peet’s coffee in two mornings.

All this has made me miss my own coffee routine:

☕️ The machine is preset the night before, so all I need to do is press the on button when I walk in the kitchen

☕️ I can listen to the metallic burble while I pour cereal and read the news

☕️ The coffee is a dark roast, black, but nothing strong enough to send you to the hospital with an abnormal heart rhythm

And I have my favorite mug. Very important stuff.

I would venture to guess we all have our preferred morning drink routine — coffee, tea, cold water with lemon, green smoothies, a long drag on a cigarette — and we’re all looking to preserve the routine as much as possible.

So this is the part of the narrative where I introduce some bad news and we spend the rest of the newsletter solving it.

Now presenting: ✨ What Climate Change Is Doing To The Coffee Industry ✨

The world drinks roughly 2.25 billion cups of coffee every day, and that number is only expected to increase. Meanwhile, warming temps and shifting rainfall patterns are predicted to shrink the areas suitable for growing coffee by 50% by 2050. There’s also the risk of a majority of coffee species going extinct because of deforestation and blights.

So coffee will likely get more expensive over time, and in fact it already is — thanks to significant recent droughts and new tariffs. My Peet’s used to be $9.99. Now it’s $11.99.

I’m almost done with the depressing stats, hold tight.

This means coffee brands have 3 solutions:

Most companies are doing #1 and #2. But a few startups have started with option #3. If you’ve heard of “coffee-free coffee” or “bean-free coffee” recently, this is that. Think of this as the barista equivalent to oat milk as a substitute for cow milk or plant-based burgers instead of a regular smash burger.

Atomo is probably the alt-coffee leader right now. It uses a 50-50 blend of half arabica coffee and half beanless coffee made from date pits, chicory root, pea protein, and a bunch of other sticks and stuff, as well as a caffeine jolt from green tea leaves.

They’ve been ranked as one of Time’s Top GreenTech Companies for 2024, and the team reports that every bag of their coffee-not-coffee uses 70% less farmland than a conventional bag, with 83% less carbon emissions to boot.

It’s amazing to see this sort of innovation and ingenuity. And at the same time, remember how coffee is the bedrock of any morning routine? If I can’t get my own blood relatives to tone down even just the scoop quantity, good luck trying to change the literal ingredients.

But if I swap the coffee grounds without anyone knowing …

Ok just upfront: This isn’t meant to be the prelude to a Greek tragedy or a White Lotus smoothie scene. This is research! And maybe also a desperate attempt at entertainment because I’m way out in the country where TikTok is the noise of the pileated woodpecker at dawn.

The experiment is simple: Offer to make coffee in the morning, and instead of using Peet’s, use the Atomo blend I ordered online and hid in the pantry. Then record everyone’s reaction.

The only catch is that my mom recently stopped drinking alcohol and caffeine, and G is out in Nantucket still, so it’s just my dad and me. And we both have notoriously undeveloped palates — my favorite food is warm rice, and he is on record eating grub-based dog treats in this very newsletter.

I’m going to have to do my best Anthony Bourdain impression with these taste tests.

It’s already hot out this morning when I start brewing the Atomo “coffee” in secret. I’m feeling slightly guilty because my dad is out walking both his dog and my dog. And here I am adding mysterious ingredients to his coveted morning ritual.

But then I remember parents trick their kids into eating kale by adding it to smoothies, and dog owners do the same trick with cheese around pills. This helps with the guilt.

Also, our interaction turns out to be so brief, there’s really no chance to remain guilty. In fact, it’s basic enough to be the one-act play written by a kid stuck in creative writing summer school:

“Good morning.”

“Good morning!”

“How did you sleep?”

“Good, and you?”

“Good, but not enough!”

“Coffee?”

“Yes, thank you.”

[Pause, sips]

“This is nice and tasty, thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

“It’s a little less strong.”

“Yes, maybe a little. But that’s probably a good thing.”

“Ok, have a nice morning.”

[Father exits stage left, toward office.]

For what it’s worth, the coffee tasted good to me too.

This experiment is failing.

I brewed the coffee in secret, just like yesterday. My dad pokes his head into the kitchen with two leashes in his hand. He’s heading out to the lake before it gets too hot. He’ll be skipping coffee this morning.

🫠

I drink my single cup — hints of chicory, smooth earth tones, nothing too harsh but there’s definitely a caffeine burst — and pour the rest into an empty mug in case he wants thick tepid coffee later.

I guess big picture this is a good thing. If he’s not noticing a huge difference, Atomo is doing a great job at creating a realistic coffee alternative. But where is the drama? Where is the spewed coffee and angry voices demanding a stronger cup or else I’m leaving this family! Where is the action!

Sometimes you can manufacture a story, and sometimes your dad just says “thanks again for the coffee” and continues reading the newspaper.

[Charlotte finishes her mug — which is still good by the way — and then walks into the sea.]

I highly recommend trying coffee-free coffee if you’re willing to switch up your morning routine once in a while. It’s a fun experiment even if no one throws the temper tantrum you were hoping to write about.

You can order Atomo’s blends on their website here (full warning, it takes you to their Amazon page) — or if you’re walking by a Bluestone Lane coffee shop, you can order up a cup in person there.

Of course, in classic eco-product fashion, this alt coffee is currently more expensive than the traditional brew (the 12-ounce bag knocked me back $15), which is a highly effective way to miss reaching the majority of America. But golly, you can’t put a price on the moment when you open a new bag of coffee grounds and life feels sharp and true.

And if you’re ready to keep going down the coffee-free rabbit hole before taking a first sip, Bloomberg reporters have opinions here.

HB caps at the beach, HB caps in the mountains. Love to see it!

🌽 Meal of the week: Cannot wait for G’s summer skillet cook-off, which is what we’ll be having tomorrow night for the Fourth.

📣 Long-listen of the week: Talenti’s dairy-free cold brew is my favorite dessert probably of all time. This podcast is about how the gelato company actually started in Argentina, then picked up in Dallas, then arrived in freezers across America — and why it’s named after some old Italian dude.

🎾 What to watch: Wimbledon. This has nothing to do with sustainability, it’s just good sports TV. Available on ESPN and the Tennis Channel, with spoilers all over Instagram.

🖍️ How to make a climate cartoon: This is a free virtual workshop with the New Yorker’s Tom Toro and climate artist Nicole Kelner. You don’t need to be an artist, but you do need to bring pen and paper.

🐶 Pet of the week: Tootsie Roll! With mascara eyes for days, it feels like there’s not much more convincing that needs to be done here. This girlie is a cheerful, loyal sidekick (foxhound, 3 years, 36 lbs).

✂️ Help keep our city parks spiffy: By cutting down invasive plants at Darden Towe Park this Tuesday, July 8 from 10am-12pm.

☀️ Who doesn’t love $9,000? If you want to get solar panels before the federal tax credits potentially get nixed, this free webinar next Wednesday should give you all the details you need to get started.

💼 Job of the week: Regional Sales Manager for the Southeast at Oatly, the quirky oatmilk company (remote but you also have to live in Georgia or Florida? no salary listed).

🥯 And a PSA that Bodos will be closed on July 4. Get your bagel fix today.