Happy Friday — we’re back with more Hot, Sticky, and Humid Bones this late July. If you haven’t had an iced coffee by now, just go straight to the frozen margs.

Since this newsletter is all about ways to stay cool — metaphorically, planetarily, and beverage-wise — I wanted to mention the deadlines for the clean energy tax benefits that are getting nixed. If you’re interested in any of these upgrades, hop to.

The home improvements credit is super important because it includes 30% off things like solar panels, heat pumps, and electrical upgrades, and it’s not income dependent.

Nothing like starting off a newsletter with taxes. The good news is the rest of this edition is about desserts.

I’d like to believe that in most relationships, there is one person who loves to go out to eat and there is one person who would like to order in, where it’s cozy and pajama friendly. Where you can eat delicious food that someone else has cooked while also sinking deeper into your couch. 

G loves nothing more than going out for a three-hour meal with thoughtful wine pairings. The more passed spoonfuls of loose noodles over bistro candles, the better. To me, this is agony. 

Part of this has to do with having many annoying food allergies (dairy, shellfish, red meat, happiness). So while G opens a menu the way I imagine a straight white man looks upon his day — full of endless possibilities, with any problem quickly solvable — I open a menu and start doing long division: 

Well I could try ordering the salmon if they could prepare it without the white wine butter sauce or I could ask about the risotto if there’s a way to remove the shrimp and cook it on a separate burner and in a separate pot and don’t let anyone who’s eaten cheese in the past 4 hours breathe on it.

Consequently, there’s one restaurant in Charlottesville that has held together our marriage on multiple hangry occasions: Botanical Plant-Based Fare.

It’s the only place in town where I can enjoy those white dude menu vibes, and also G likes it because the food is actually still good and not just weird vegan nut bowls. Last weekend we went for brunch and I had cinnamon waffles, hashbrowns, and a very hot mug of coffee. Good plant stuff.

Plus: Eating more plant-based foods is one of the most impactful levers we as individuals can pull to help the planet. (If everyone had a dairy and shellfish allergy, we’d be halfway to solving climate change already.)

So Solution #1 for this newsletter edition is just to go eat at Botanical.

But Botanical is only open 6 days a week, and ordering their takeout gets expensive, and there are a lot of Hot Bones readers who aren’t remotely close to the delivery radius.

So Solution #2 is to try cooking your own plant-based food sometimes.

But it’s 1 million degrees this summer and I wouldn’t dare you to touch an oven until September, so Solution #3 is to make a plant-based, no-oven-needed very cold dessert.

Like any web-based recipe, it only took us 500 words to reach the actual food part. But you had to know my life story!

Without more yapping: This recipe is based on a traditional Mexican icebox cake (Carlota de limón) with layered cookies and a creamy lime filling. My namesake. But this version is totally dairy free, entirely plant based, and took us 25 minutes to whip up.

Don’t tell anyone I gave you this recipe card (hypothetically speaking it might be behind a paywall).

G and I decided to start “baking” this one night after Jeopardy.

Everything was going great with Lime Charlotte until, I (the real Charlotte) turned on the blender and completely liquified the evaporated coconut milk, condensed coconut milk, and plant-based cream cheese the recipe asked for. It was supposed to become a thick cream that we’d then spread in layers on top of graham crackers. But it became soup.

In a fit of culinary inspiration, we added half a pint of coconut ice cream as a makeshift binding agent (“oh nice, that’ll be great when we freeze it”), which … created a looser, sweeter soup.

“Maybe we should call your mom?” I asked G.

Never one to admit failure to the indefatigable queen baker herself, G turned the blender back on. This time on ultra high, sending the dog under the table.

We stared at the pulpy soup and put G’s mom on speakerphone. No answer.

“Let’s just keep going.”

We poured the chilled coconut soup into the baking pan and placed graham cracker squares over that. But instead of that nice spreadable lime + coconut filling, our ruinous soup lifted all boats so that we had three inches of liquid and one thin layer of cookies.

We did this next.

Watching me cook is like watching someone build Ikea furniture – all the parts are there, but you’re going to end up with a coffee table with three and a half legs. But watching G cook is like going to the ballet. So when she resorts to pulverizing graham crackers into a witch’s brew, you know the recipe has gone south.

“Well, that should just about do it,” G said as she wiped her hands off, “Jesus Christ.” We covered our wet monstrosity in tin foil and put it in the fridge to sit and think about what it had done.

24 hours later —>

Bite 1.

“It’s really good.”

Bite 2.

“I’m so sorry I can’t.”

Bite 2.5

“I can’t finish this.”

Bite 2.75

“It’s not you. The cake is really good.”

Bite 2.76

“Ok the cake sucks.”

Bite 2.76666

“I’m breaking up with Lime Charlotte.”

Maybe you’ll have better luck with the recipe above. If you do, send me a note about where we went wrong. Otherwise, here are a few less adventurous, more tried-and-true dessert favorites, all totally dairy freeeee.

🍊 Orange, cherry, & grape popsicles from GoodPop

☕ Talenti’s cold brew coffee ice cream

🍧 Green tea and ginger granita recipe from the Times

🍦 Jeni’s Texas sheetcake ice cream

🎂 No-bake layered raspberry cheesecake recipe from Nora Cooks

And if nothing else, don’t forget that Botanical makes plant-based desserts, they deliver until 8pm, and you can order to our house and I’ll make sure it’s safe and sound until you arrive.

🎙️ Bop of the week: Stereophonic’s Bright (fast) while you’re weeding an entire backyard this Sunday morning.

🤓 A non-graded and no-stress quiz, possible? This one is only two questions and there are no wrong answers. Plus, you get to learn about heat pumps (which heat and cool homes btw).

🍑 More music, more peaches: Free live music featuring Classic Road and JT Horne this Saturday and Sunday from 1-4pm at the Chiles Peach Orchard in Crozet.

🐶 Pet of the week: Jinx! Lotta cute puppies at the CASPCA right now, including this girlie who is, and I quote, “always ready to turn an ordinary day into an unforgettable adventure.” Dealer’s choice on whether that’s a good or bad thing (2 months, border collie x saint bernard, 12lbs).

📚 Long read of the week: One of the world’s most advanced trash systems sucks your garbage away with the force of half a million household vacuum cleaners.

💼 Job of the week: Director of Clean Water and Land Conservation at the Virginia Conservation Network (based in Richmond, $75k - $80k).

💪 Bonus job of the week: Data Center Reform Campaign Coordinator at the Piedmont Environmental Council (hybrid, HQ in Warrenton, $65k - $80k)