Happy Friday — we’re back with more Hot Bones and a very special announcement from the IT department (me, unfortunately). We’re live with a new website!

In terms of how it compares with the original setup, I’d say it’s the upgrade from economy to economy plus on your flight to Europe. More pillows, a few more inches of legroom, still no access to the Business Class bathroom. If you see any errors, please lmk with a quick reply email.

Onward. Last edition was all about the surprising underworld of trash bins. This week is a branding masterclass in the newest “health” food snacks.

I’m back in the New York groove for Climate Week. Usually when I visit, I’m staying in a tiny hotel room where it’s only possible to move between bed and doorway by sucking in and shimmying sideways. But this week I’m staying at my brother and sister-in law’s apartment, where I get my own bathroom and can actually unpack my suitcase. It also means picking up essentials for my stay like cereal, shampoo, and vegan ice cream (the most essential).

So earlier this week, I stepped out of the apartment and walked half a block before reaching the first bodega. They didn’t have Rice Chex, so on I went.

30 steps later I reached the next shop, which not only had the world's most underrated cereal but also four walls covered in a very beautiful sight: candy, and then candy branded as healthy snacks.

I love nothing more than a well-curated market, and I’m an absolute sucker for brightly wrapped snack candy, much the same way a weary crow can’t resist a piece of shiny foil in the dirt. There was a whole wall devoted to gummy snacks; a long panel for brightly packaged, breath-enhancing gum; a separate rack just for bars of chocolate all over the nut-to-nugat spectrum; dried fruits without sugar (at kid eye level) and with sugar (at adult level); jerkies of the meat and fake meat variety; and a whole corner devoted to snack bars with a foundation of nuts and granola.

I bought $50 worth of this stuff and after I got back the apartment realized I’d forgotten to get all my actual staples.

Being at the Super Bowl for climate people, sustainability and marketing things are top of mind for me this week. And while items like cigarettes and beer have always had great branding and inherent coolness, healthy snacking and “clean eating” hadn’t really hit their marketing stride until a few years ago.

Remember when Nature Valley bars were the best we could do for a nutritious midday snack? I bet the seams in your car’s upholstery still have a few granola grains to tell the tale.

So it’s pretty exciting that now there are entire sections of grocery stores that have gone from Pop-Tarts and Pringles to things like KIND, RX, and That’s It bars.

At the same time, there’s absolutely no regulation or legal definition about what makes a snack a healthy snack. This may sound a little tin foil hat, but things like “natural flavors” can contain both artificial and synthetic chemicals and many whole-grain bars have so much sugar they might as well be old cookies. “Eco-friendly” means nothing.

This is where greenwashing enters the chat: Brands have realized a large majority (around 80%) of consumers want to shop with sustainability in mind. And while some brands are like, oh yeah, let’s do that, other brands are like, yeah let’s not do that but say we did.

So I wanted to do a classic Hot Bones experiment to see what was BS in my grocery haul, and what was good to go. And I needed reinforcements.

Kaila and I used to work together at Morning Brew, and I’d say the moment we became friends was when we were on a Zoom call and I watched her dog vomit on the couch behind her. That bonds you for life.

As a razor sharp editor and current hilarious podcaster (everyone needs to check out Per My Last Email), Kaila was the perfect copilot for our experiment.

And here are the contestants:

We conducted a taste test after dinner earlier this week. Here’s our final scorecard, going from right to left from the photo:

Louisville Vegan Jerky, Maple Bacon

A twist on traditional gas station dried beef, this one came in many flavors and packed a punch in terms of quantity and flavor.

💰 $7.49

🛍️ Branding: Kaila gives it a 4 out of 5, so do I.

😝 Taste: Kaila says 4 (“I think there’s room for improvement, because the smell was so overpowering when you opened the bag”), I say 5 (“a little softer than the regular stuff, still good flavor”).

🚙 Road trip worthy? YES

Kaila: “I think it’s actually perfect for a road trip, because that definitely has protein in it, and I feel like it would be filling to eat the whole thing.”

Me: “I would eat this on a road trip. But I would also eat a mint afterward.”

🌎 Personal health and planetary impact, loosely speaking: Plant-based jerky is hugely beneficial to the planet compared to beef products (which are water and land intensive and cause pollution from being shipped long distances, etc). But when I looked on the Yuka food scanning app, this vegan jerky got a 9/100 score on account of additives and too much sodium.

Vegobears, Malibu Foamy Gummy Bears

Caught my eye as soon as I entered the grocery store. Streamlined but still flashy, it feels like the candy you were never allowed to buy as a kid despite hiding it between heads of lettuce on the checkout conveyor belt.

💰 $4.99

🛍️ Branding: Kaila says 5, I say 4: “On second thought, this does look kind of like some sort of sexual product.” Something about the reflective wording and the matte finish. Can’t put my finger on it exactly, but something’s weird.

😝 Taste: We both said 4 out of 5. Kaila’s hot take: “If you were to compare these to a Haribo Gummy Bear, I would give these a zero. But compared to … nothing else, I’ll give it a four.”

🚙 Road trip worthy? Confirmed yes.

🌎 Personal health and planetary impact, loosely speaking: As the package says, organic x vegan. We love that. The Yuka app was more skeptical, knocking off points for high sugar and some potentially risky additives. Still no idea what “foamy” gummy bears actually means on the label.

Chimes Ginger Chews, Meyer Lemon Variety

A classic bag of the carrot cake of candy — a little too healthy to be worth the trouble but if you’re offering we’ll still eat it. People swear by the digestive and anti-nausea benefits of this very chewy candy.

💰 $4.99

🛍️ Branding: 3s all around, fine but nothing to write home about.

😝 Taste: Kaila says 3 out of 5, I says 4 out of 5.

“It’s a little spicier than I was expecting. It’s kind of good.” And then the backtrack: “It is tasty. It’s sweet. It’s fine.”

My main takeaway: “Your dental bill is about to go way up.”

🚙 Road trip worthy? Nope, although since they’re supposed to be good for digestion maybe sneak in one or two?

🌎 Personal health and planetary impact, loosely speaking: Within the large bag, each ginger chew is individually wrapped in plastic, which drove me crazy. They’re hard to open and also not great from a plastic waste perspective.

Counterpoint from Kaila: “I feel like they have to be, because otherwise there’d be just one sad hard blob in the corner of the bag.”

Tony's Chocolonely, Dark Chocolate

The new gold standard in chocolate bars, with carnivalesque branding and a Do Good mission to boot. Also, these bars are huge and we love that.

💰 $5.99

🛍️ Branding: Perfect score. Look at that retro print! Look at those big blocks of fun words!

😝 Taste: Perfect score

“Out of all the dark chocolate options, which I don’t eat often, I would say this is the milkiest chocolate,” Kaila reported.

“It’s not bitter, which is very impressive. Big fan of it not having milk and killing me,” I added.

🚙 Road trip worthy? Not unless you have a pickaxe in your trunk. It’s too thick and has weird breaking points.

🌎 Personal health and planetary impact, loosely speaking: Tony’s Chocolonely is like the Patagonia of chocolate brands — their goal is to help end child labor and other exploitation in the cocoa industry. The brand is super transparent about their practices, and not in a confusingly complex way either. Lots of images and jargon-free explainers instead.

Natierra’s Organic Bananas & Strawberries

Pretty much just bananas and strawberries that have been freeze-fried and dropped in the bag. Not much BS here.

💰 $6.49

🛍️ Branding: Kaila says 2 out of 5, I say 3 (“clear but nothing to write home about”).

😝 Taste: “No, this is disgusting. Also, where are the strawberries?” (Kaila gave this a 1, even after we fished the strawberries from the bottom of the bag.) I also gave this a 1. (“You can't give negative numbers, just to be clear.”)

Bonus: Kaila’s husband chimed in with, “I like hydrating them in my mouth before chewing.” Kaila: “That’s horrific.” Opposites attract, yall.

🚙 Road trip worthy? Absolutely not. My take: “You need to actively drink water to enjoy these, which is the opposite of what you want to do on a road trip.”

Counterpoint from Kaila, regardless of road trips: “If it’s game night and you’ve run out of poker chips, these are great game pieces.”

🌎 Personal health and planetary impact, loosely speaking: Organic fruits and veggies mean no pesticides to worry about ingesting. There are also literally no other ingredients in this bag (for better or worse), so there’s no lurking suspects to have to consider. Plus, flash freezing means fruit is preserved at peak freshness, and the lighter loads from removing the water element mean less pollution emitted during transit.

MYSTERIES REMAIN

I found these capital b Blobs in the bottom of my backpack this morning. Guess I bought them and forgot to include them in the taste test.

💰 $3.99

Yuka score: 84/100, which is in the 🟢 Excellent category

I didn’t want to eat them with my coffee and Rice Chex, so I’ll leave it up to you all to let me know how they stack up.

Results from last week: The second-worst thing to find in your trash can is …

Central Park! Not pictured: the smell of a day’s worth of horse droppings.

🚵 Beer and fries will never taste better: No matter if you’re running, walking, biking, or cheering folks on during the annual Loop de Ville. The trail circumnavigates Cville and there are still spots open for Saturday. This is a big one, folks.

🏡 Cool house of the week: Early 1900s farmhouse with refinished heart pine floors and a huge “drop zone” mudroom (3 bed, 3 bath, $549k, near the Dairy Market).

🐶 Pet of the week: Afternoon Applepicking! (talk about great branding) No description listed and none required. Just look at those freckles (hound x shepherd, 10 weeks, 10 pounds).

🍁 It’s ok to forget your wallet: There’s free entrance to national parks around the country try this Saturday, Sep 27. It’s also a great time to volunteer and help preserve our public lands. Here are some local ideas.

🌻 More than just mums: The Piedmont Discovery Center is hosting its third annual native plant sale (over 50+ species) this Saturday from 2-5pm at the Schuyler Quarry Gardens.

💼 Jobs of the week: Hexagon Energy is hiring for an Exploration Geologist (no salary listed) and Riversong Sauna is now hiring for hosting positions ($17-$20/hr plus tips)

🚗 Quick PSA that the national Week Without Driving campaign starts this Monday. I’ll be trying this out, and if you want to join me just reply to this email.

Have an event or rec you’d like to share? Hiring? Interested in advertising?

Share any and all info here.