Happy Friday — we’re back with more Hot Bones after a short, rainy week. Almost feels like soup season again.
Last edition was all about the new HB referral system. Congrats to everyone who’s already earned their limited-edition dad cap. I’ve found the easiest way to snag yours is to either a) click your unique referral link below and type in someone’s email address or b) copy/paste the unique link in a text or email to that person and have them sign up on their own.
Option B bypasses any confusion as to why the hell they’re getting an email from someone called Hot Bones.
Your unique link: {{ rp_refer_url }}
Up this week: Ice cream.
Last Sunday I went to the supermarket with my brother for probably the first time since college, and it confirmed my working theory that you don’t fully know someone until you’ve gone grocery shopping with them.
Sure, there are personality tests and late nights out to give you a sense for someone’s character, but nothing roots out foundational human behavior like going to Whole Foods at 3pm on a Sunday.
I’m lucky enough to know a lot of strong, definitive people, but take them grocery shopping and you might not think so anymore. For better or worse, their true selves emerge like broods of cicadas.
For example:
My mom: Normally talkative, personable. At a grocery store? Might as well be fixing the outside of the International Space Station as the world beyond her list ceases to exist.
Sister in law: Normally kind, bubbly. At a grocery store? Still as happy cruising the aisles as she is perusing a brunch menu. This is a good example and I envy it.
Dad: Normally focused. At a grocery store though … like a dog who doesn’t know which toy to choose so he puts them all in his mouth, including one time something called diet peanut butter.
And my brother — my brother who is a big law sharpshooter and the same bastard who called me a lazy cow on the tennis court not two hours previously — well, weekend Whole Foods will bring him to his knees. It was awesome.
To be fair, the list he was given was not simple. Two-thirds of the items were small fruits and veggies, the rest being niche dry goods and delicacy cheeses.
“So you’re good here, right?” I asked him at the entrance. “I’ll go get my stuff and find you.”
“Yeah I’ll be in the produce section for a few years.”
Thus began the 12 labors of Hercules. First up, ask someone what rhubarb looks like. Then find either 1 cucumber or 1 pound of cucumbers (the wrong choice was made). Collect 18 perfectly ripe avocados. Get gluten and gluten free sandwich bread. Find white miso.
After I finished my own list, I stood near the checkout counters and just watched him orbiting the tomatoes and strawberries, bringing items back to a centrally located cart like a squirrel with acorns. But much slower. A sloth with acorns.
I tell you all of this because a) you should never go grocery shopping with my brother and b) if you do have to go, make sure to buy your ice cream after confirming that all other items have been acquired. That was my mistake.
I went in there looking for 4 pints of vegan ice cream and was done before he even got to the chilled rhubarb. Meaning my latest Hot Bones experiment — as well as my brother — were completely melted by the time we got home.
Vegan ice cream, it’s worth the wait
I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again: We are living in the golden age of vegan ice cream. Gone are the days of cold chalk and lemon ice. Someone finally cracked the code on ice cream made without dairy, and they deserve a genius grant.
Vegan ice cream has gotten so good that the Whole Foods freezer aisle has a full floor-to-ceiling shelf devoted to it. I actually had trouble pinpointing 4 pints for this experiment because there were so many options.
And I’m not just saying that because I have a dairy allergy. Beyond being good for that, vegan ice cream is great because it’s:
Easier on the planet, as less land and water are needed for producing plant-based milk. Less greenhouse gas emissions too.
Ever ever so slightly healthier than its buttermilk counterparts (although mainly in the same way that carrot cake is a healthy choice)
Cruelty-free because hey, no cows to be cruel to
If you’re looking for a small sustainable change to make in your life, it might be worth picking up a pint of vegan ice cream on your next grocery trip. And if you’re curious about the environmental impact of different milks, check out these graphs.
But beyond that, vegan ice cream just tastes good now. And if you don’t believe me, ask everyone else at dinner last weekend, because I made them eat all those pints.
Ding ding: Our vegan ice cream contenders
The game was simple. Everyone at dinner got 4 spoons, one for each vegan ice cream. And then we passed around the pints one by one, using a CLEAN spoon each time to sample the goods. No double dipping, we’re not animals.
At the end, everyone got one spoon to vote for their favorite.
First up …
☕ Jeni’s Cold Brew with Coconut Cream
$12 per pint, eeek
Pros: Strong coffee flavor, enjoyable creamy vanilla mix
Cons: Swirl was slightly icey in pockets, also even a single pint is extremely expensive
🍫 So Delicious Salted Chocolate Caramel
$6.49 per pint
Pros: tasted like chocolate
Cons: everything else (honestly this is a good control group for what vegan ice cream tasted like 10 years ago)
🫐 Whole Foods Berry Chantilly Cake
$3.89 per pint
Pros: you won’t believe me when I say this, but an amazing combination of Safeway sheet cake and a berry tart
Cons: very sweet after more than a few bites
🍪 Ben & Jerry’s Mint Chocolate Cookie
$5.79 per pint
Pros: creamy and cold with just the right amount of Oreo grist
Cons: your body physically cannot stop eating this
After a lot of spoonfuls that could have been whole scoops, the results came in.
0 votes for the So Not Delicious Salted Chocolate Caramel
2 votes for Jeni’s Coffee Swirl
3 votes for the Chantilly Sheet Cake
3 votes for Ben and Jerry’s Mint Chocolate Cookie
As our friend Nat was both a guest and a coffee swirl voter, we gave him the tiebreaker spoon.
Gold medal goes to the Vermont duo and their mint chocolate goodness! Sorry, adult sheet cake. Better luck next time.
With the votes in, the only thing left to do was polish off the pints as the fireflies came out. And wouldn’t you know it, my brother had remembered to buy extra rosé.
Your turn: What’re you voting for with your spoon?
🍕 Meal of the week: Fine, if you want something other than vegan ice cream, try the pizza pistou with shaved zucchini at Luce.
🐶 Pet of the week: Ella! Calm, gentle, and leash manners Emily Post would be proud of (plott hound, 6 years, 48 lbs).
🤮 Long-read of the week: “Use by” and “Best by” may mean nothing compared to your dad’s smell test, but for everyone else, here’s the 411 on confusing expiration date terminology.
🚲 Big bike party: Join the parade this Saturday at 9am with costumes, bike flair, and literal bells and whistles to close out Bike Month.
🏳️🌈 Big gay party: The Rivanna Area Queer Center is hosting its grand opening celebration on Saturday from 3-9pm. Live music starts at 6.
🐛 Big caterpillar party: Leisurely walk at the Quarry Gardens at Schuyler with caterpillar expert Courtney on June 8.
💼 Job of the week: Virginia Renewables Organizer at Bantam Communications (contract, based in VA, no salary listed)
Thanks for reading this week’s Hot Bones. If you’ve got thoughts, hit reply. I’d love to hear from you.
🦴 Charlotte